Be careful what you wish for...

I have been trying to keep it going with my decision to make some serious changes. It is so darn difficult! Waking up at 6 am when you cannot fall asleep at nights, when your body hurts like a bitch with all that Cardiovascular activity, I deserve a treat don't I? I had a lot of chocolate today. I am not even regretting it. Like a good girl, I split half of it with my 9 year old cousin. I know, lame. But other than that, it has been going pretty well, feeling focused and feeling fresh, and there is no better way to experience serenity than watching the Sun rise early in the morning. Yay Me!

Just that after my brief blowout last night, I was not in the best moods this morning, and in a split moment of subsiding anger topped by growing distrust, I spoke to God in my mind. I said, "Yeah, if you were so real, I would get a paycheck (A small time stay at home job that I once did) that has been due for 4 months, today". Guess what, I received a call in 10 minutes, and that person called me up and asked to meet for coffee. An hour later, I had the paycheck in my hands. I was not even expecting it! I thought it was forgotten by them.. I mean seriously?! God, you were listening to me?! Not only did you redeem the faith I was losing, but you kinda asked me not to give up, indirectly. Now I think, Could I have asked for something else? Sigh, I am just human, but I feel happy, and somehow reassured that things will work out. The silent tears might not be going to waste. So far, Karma has been slapping me in the face and rewarding me with success depending on things that I did in my past, and if it has been keeping an account of the mental stress I have been going through for almost 12 years now, I think there is something darn good coming my way (Fool, if you're reading this, it applies to you too).

 

I have a huge list of things to do. It just keeps piling on. I am considering making a to-do list on my pages section like Andy has, and then strike off whatever I get done, whenever I get it done. But what do I hope to do in my life? 

I hope to make everyone smile around me.

I hope to have a Man besides me when I am 60, and tell me that I still look beautiful and that he loves me.

I hope to write, and write some more, coz' I wanna leave my traces behind for my kids and grand kids to read (If at all they're interested!)

 

I hope to live in every continent of the World (for a period of over 3 months) before I turn 40.

Pics Courtesy : Google, and whoever actually posted it.

Let's hope I'm able to live up to all of these, and as far as it is in my control, I will do something about it :) Also, I hope I am as pretty as the lady in the turning 60 pic when I grow that old!

Love,

Apfel

I'm too sexy for my Shoes

Like I mentioned in my earlier post, forgiveness does not come easily to me. I have been noticing that I have been losing my patience much earlier than I used to, these days. That should probably be because of being too patient in the first place. Whatever it is, it has turned me into an unforgiving person, with more and more grudges. I am not liking it at all.

 I was having a pretty good weekend until an hour ago. I woke up late in the morning, lazed around, spent some time online, then went shopping. That should sound exciting right? Wrong. I went shopping with Joe, and some guy literally talked Joe into lending him some money, and he just gave him the money without asking any questions. Right at the gas station while we were filling up the car. He was lucky, that I did not notice it that time. But when the guy left, Joe says to me, 'I know you're mad at me coz' I just gave that guy $$$ and I shouldn't have'. I was like holy mother of god?! You just GAVE him a huge sum.. Just like that? That guy was definitely some kind of a fraud. Sometimes I feel so happy that I am not a social person!

Anyway so we parked the car and decided to walk around the streets doing some window shopping first, and I was laughing at him the whole way for getting robbed like that. I know that is rude but he deserves it, coz this is not the first time he has fallen prey to something like this, which means he is plain careless. I finally found a pair of shoes that fit me, and since beggars can't be choosers, I was happy to have found the option to choose between a pair of Beige colored pumps, and a pair of Black peep-toe heels. Guess what? My MOM FORBID ME TO BUY THEM!!! WHAT THE HELL?!?!?!?!?! Omg I am so mad at her!! She actually called me and asked me not to buy them, coz' she had something better for me. I was so angry, I got back home and she shows me these old pair of shoes that I owned and says they're still good enough. There was an argument. Instantly. A heated one at that. It gets worse. I went back to the store to get those shoes, and guess what. THEY WERE SOLD! I have no idea how to express my anger, except the rivers flowing out of my eyes right now.


I can be very petty at times. Today was that day. I got really mad at Mom when I returned and I said things that I shouldn't have. Somehow Dad took control and calmed both the angry ladies down. Whatever. I have to forgive you Mom, coz' you're the reason why I did not get Shoes. I know I sound pretty materialistic. But put yourself in my shoes (actually don't, coz I have only 4 pairs), coming out of every store with a frown on your face and a look of shock on the shopkeeper's face, coz' he has never seen feet that wide. I don't disrespect you, Mr.Shopkeeper, at how disgustingly short you are, or what a horrible set of teeth you have, but keep this in mind... I am the one with large feet, you better not make me kick. Coz' if I kick you, your @$$ is going to be sore, for a long long time. Also I am a Karate Champ. Bwahahaha. Suddenly I feel better.

So, I forgive you Mom, and I also forgive you, Stupid Shopkeeper!

And no matter how much we fight, I still love you the most, Ma!
Apfel

P.S. It's so much easier to confide in strangers.

Please Forgive Me...

Forgiveness doesn't come easily to me. At the face of things I might tell a person that I forgive them, but I never forget. Then I think about the past, and I realize that I have never really forgiven anybody. I do not let people easily into my life, and I think that's a good thing. But once they get inside, I think of them as everything I've got and face a really hard time letting them go. I might have a little too much patience and it's really, really difficult to get me to that stage, where I am so mad at a person that I would have to forgive/not forgive them. Whoever managed to get me there, lost my faith, and has never regained their place in my heart.

I do not regret anything that I did till date, coz' I believe that it's life, and every little bit teaches us something... But I have made a huge mistake in the past. Something I could not forgive myself for, for over a decade.

I was carrying my baby sister (cousin) in my arms, when she was 11 months old.It had been only 10 days since her young Father, my maternal uncle had passed away in an unfortunate accident. The Backdrop : The scene was that, My Uncle, Aunt, and their 2 Daughters (aged 7 years and 11 months respectively) were traveling in a cab, from their place to our place. My Uncle was an awesome man, and he was an absolute darling of everyone around him. He loved his family more than his life. Literally. That is what caused him to go away. While my Aunt was busy loading the Camera with a roll in the car, a huge truck had a head on collision with their cab, and my Uncle and the Baby (she was on his lap) fell out of the vehicle. Both the drivers escaped.

My Aunt was majorly injured, and as the skin off both her ankles hung loose (they were torn) making her bones visible, there was a pool of blood in which she lay unconscious. My 7 year old cousin also suffered a leg injury and was unconscious. My uncle and the baby were scratch-less, only minor bruises. But when he got up after rolling out of the car, he saw the whole bloody mess, and passed away, right on the spot. He died of shock. You know the worst part? The younger baby spoke her first words on that same day when her father's body was burnt to ashes. Her first words were "Papa".

So back to what I could not forgive myself for. I was carrying the baby girl upstairs to my room, when I slipped over the staircase and had a bad fall, face down, along with the baby. I hurt my knee, but the baby suffered a major cut on her lower lip. Imagine a 11 month old baby getting 4 stitches on her lower lip, in the middle of the entire family already mourning over a sudden loss of life. I did not hold a baby in my arms for many years that followed. I could not forgive myself for that incident. Last April, my elder brother's wife gave birth to a beautiful baby doll, and she wanted me to be the first family member to hold her. It was a giant leap, and I forgave myself for dropping that baby after a long span of 12 years.

As of now, I do not have anything I have to forgive myself for, except one thing. I have to forgive myself for dreaming. I have to forgive myself for having hope. I tend to dream, and I tend to dream big. I tend to have hope even when everything is going downhill. It's not such a bad thing, but eventually it catches up to me when I have to face the harsh reality. So I am Sorry, for dreaming too much, hoping too much, and I hope I'm able to forgive myself for that. At least in my dreams.

I'm loving this challenge so far! I'm discovering things I never knew existed before :)

Sending everyone bucket-fulls of dreams and hopes,
xoxo
Apfel

So I won't hesitate.. No more... No more...

I have been feeling pretty happy since I set a deadline on something and I'm working towards it. Yeah, I know it's just the first day but still!!

Today has been pretty hectic. Woke up at 6 AM, and hit the treadmill, then worked through the day with normal stuff, and here I am post lunch posting this before I head off on a skipping session in an hour. Found some cool blogs today, so did a little bit of reading (No studies yet!). I mentioned earlier that I have been blogging for a long time, but I decided to go anonymous coz' I needed to vent it out, without being judged. I used to do mainly poetry and prose on my original blog. But after a long long time, something lyrical has struck me, and It feels different.

I could complete Day 1 of my 30 days of Truth challenge so easily, coz' I had to list things that I hated about myself.

Day 2 is rather hard

I just realized that I had to list one thing only. I listed like 20 yesterday ;) I get super hesitant when I have to say things about me that I genuinely love.

It's hard to pick one thing but I think I know what it is...

It would have to be My Eyes.

I chose my Eyes not for the sole reason that I am in love with myself when I look into them, but also coz' they have seen a lot of stuff. They have learned how to perceive stuff, and to distinguish the beauty from places that one could hardly imagine. They taught me how beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder. I love how they never listen to me when I ask them to lie, but they promise to be mysterious and hide my hurt at the same time, just under the coat of that Kohl. I love that they give me the vision to view the beauty of life, and the ability to engross the opposite person into them so I can read their eyes. They all tell stories, some sad, some happy, some content, some distant, some longing, some raging... It goes on and on.

Damn, the poetic side of me is on a roll today! Also the self obsessed side :P

Love,

xoxox

Apfel :)

Candid Confessions, and Confusions.

The countdown has begun. 30 days to go, counting today in. Today marks an important day for me coz' I'm gonna set some goals for the 27th of February, 2011. I have been sitting around complaining about every thing so much that I have started to feel like an old woman who never got married and is now irritated with the sound of kids playing on the street. Not good. It's high time.

My exam is due most likely on the 27th of next month. I have a humongous portion to cover up, plus get in shape coz' I have been sitting on my ass without work outs for almost 8 months now. My weight has piled on, and fitness is something that is a major concern for our job selection, so even if I look good it does not matter if the weighing scale says overweight.

I have to admit that I have never been honest about my weight. Hardly anyone knows how much I weigh, and I'm going to sum up the courage to put it on here right now, coz' I promised myself that I wouldn't hold anything back. I stand 5 feet 8 inches tall, and I weigh 88 kg as of now. That is 176 lbs. I know that's shockingly overweight, but I do not look that overweight. I have a medical history and bones that are pretty heavy, my palms look like a man's and I have feet that look like Fred Flintstone's. I look much lighter than I actually weigh, and that's why I have to suffer in job selections. I have to go through extra blood tests during my medical check ups, and stuff like that.

I don't have a single memory of my parents telling me that I looked pretty. They always called me fat, even though when I look back now, I seriously feel, I was not fat at all. I was perfectly normal. But what can one do when their parents tell them every hour of every day about how ugly and fat they are. Even if my boyfriends or friends told me that I looked fine, I thought they were making fun of me. I even thought they were making fun of me when I won the Miss Personality contest at my college, and was the lead in the college Fashion Show. For them I was still ugly and fat. Anyway, all this has led me to be kind of an emotional eater, and now, I've really put on weight. (Also, it explains a lot about my constant need to be in a relationship)

I weighed 97 kg (213 lbs) last January, and I decided to work on it. I came down to 84 kg (185 lb) by the end of April, and I looked a lot more in shape, and everyone in the world gave me compliments, except my parents who said I looked ugly and fat. Anyway, I still look the same as I did when I was 84, but add in some bulkiness and a lot of laziness. I have to get back between 80-82 kg (175-180 lbs) by 27th February. Come what fucking may.

There is this virtual network forum for unemployed guys from my area of job interest, and whenever I read that site, I freak out. I read something off that site today, by accident. Now I'm freaking out, majorly. I have to do well on this exam. Coz' I wanna get a freaking job, and then I wanna tell all you guys what I actually do for a living.

So starting tomorrow, I am going to wake up early, meditate, stretch (yoga), run, skip, eat right, study my hot beyonce-like ass off, and only be in touch with you guys. Part of this inspiration to do well comes from Janey @ one to one thousand, she works like a machine!

I thought about taking up the 30 day challenge with the lovely Fool, but then decided against it, then I thought it's not a bad idea afterall, coz' I'll have some company too... and I can just merge it with my daily posts, and have a sense of self-evaluation as well as a healing process. You can also do it, from here.

So here goes Day 01:

I hate that:

I don't drink enough Water everyday.

I settle for way less that what I deserve.

My parents never, never ever ever encourage me.

I am losing focus from my studies big time.

No one calls me cute names. Not just for the sake of calling, I mean no one means them.

I don't have a job.

I am running so so so late on my plan about traveling the world before I turn 30. I should have been engaged by now as per my plan, lol.

I am overweight.

I tend to handpick the man who is not right for me. Always.

I do not have freedom as needed.

I would never be able to fit my feet into a standard sized shoe (Athletes Foot)

I don't have any money in my wallet right now (Except the secret compartment. But that is as good as no money, coz' its Emergency backup).

I haven't shaved my legs in almost a month.

My stupid oven doesn't work. I haven't baked anything in it since forever.

I have a closet full of really awesome clothes which I am unable to wear.

I don't have a guy who says that he loves me. I had one, but he is gone. Whatever.

I have lost my will to wake up early in the mornings.

At the end of 30 days,

I'm going to post a picture of myself. Before and After. Maybe headless, lol. But Nonetheless!

I'm gonna be putting down a weekly report on my weight loss progress.

I'm gonna have already completed and re-revised most of my portion for the exam.

I'm gonna be ready to kick some serious ass in the exams!

Let's get this party started!
Love,
Apfel

Yes, I am Weird. So back off... K?

I thought I'll sleep over my anger last night and it did work, woke up with a fresh attitude and a refreshed mood. Today is Republic Day in India. It used to be a proud thing when we were kids and we would hoist the Indian flag and sing songs and wear white, green and orange, but now, it's just like another Sunday, only with a little patriotic feeling and people selling the Indian flag on the road. To my utter dismay, it's another damn public holiday. That means Mom AND Dad are both home. Sometimes it's not a bad thing. But today is.

Okay, now I have many many books in my closet and one thing that I take pride in is that no matter how much I have used those books over the years, Not one of them is crumpled up. I hate books that are in bad shape. It's okay to have some doodling and some dog-eared pages for reference, but it is not okay to have dust, or spilled food/gravy on the pages. It has to smell like a book, and the fragrance of paper gives me a high.

I am also a very patient person. Too patient, perhaps, which is why people tend to walk all over me. I am the one who would always be expected to look at things from the opposite person's perspective, and be understanding about it. It was okay before, but not now. Especially if you're so close to me, I expect you to give back in the form of at least the little things.

I used to have a BFF till one year ago. We don't talk anymore. It's her birthday today. We were a group of 3, and the third girl called me up to tell me that BFF was back from the States and she invited her to the Birthday Party, and suggested that I should tag along too and mend the gap. I might have wanted to do it a month ago, when I was beginning a new year and was in the forgiving mode. We tried to get in touch with her back then, but she had other important things to do, like sit around and watch TV. For 14 days. Now, I don't feel like going. I'm not gonna go.

With all these things bottling up inside my head, I tend to have random outbursts once in a while. Today was one of those days. I screamed at my Mom, and then my Housekeeper(for the first time in 3 years), and then my Dad, and then I burst into tears like a little kid, all alone in my room. This was all because, my housekeeper managed to get a giant crease full of dust on 1 page of my book, which is why I spent almost half an hour crying and trying to get it back to normal. It's looking like a crushed paper from the trash can :( Sigh.. So I'm just going to say some things to people. I need to get it out of my system. Before I lose my head once again.

Mom and Dad : You're the reason I am in the middle of so many health and career problems today. If you cannot encourage me, don't discourage me either. I am your daughter, but you do not own me. I can make my own decisions. So back off... K?

Housekeeper : I never raise my voice on domestic help. But you lied. Point blank. And you accused me of something that I did not do. If I save your ass day after day when your work is not up to the mark, I am not the one who is supposed to take the blame for it. You're on my hitlist, bitch. Next time you lie, you're going down. So back off... K?

Joe, Peggy : I am done with your stupid break up business. Yes, you heard me, its fuckin' stupid and pointless. Stop behaving like little babies and take responsibility for your actions. I am not here to clean up YOUR mess. So leave me alone and back off.. K?

Ryan : You're probably the best thing that happened to me and you kept me going with a calm head through this huge messy setting for 4 years, then why don't you fuckin' own up and say you love me? I mean grow a set of balls and MAN up! Ughh.. and if you don't then you fuckin' don't deserve to be in my life anymore, and if you really have so many problems with me hanging out with other guys then admit that you're possessive. I am not going to kill/eat you! Get a life and back off.. K?

British Guy : Now that you're not showing up, I have decided to move on. So if you come back, you better have a darn good reason to support that absence, then maybe I'll take you back as a friend (coz' you're incredibly hot and the sight of you soothes my eyes and brain) but WE are not going to happen. I am not going to sit here, waste my time sulking over you while you might potentially banging some English chick out there, never know. So you need to back off too... K?

BFF : You choose to be with a guy (whom you loved 6 yrs ago and then started dating someone else) who was pursuing me and tried his best to get in my pants for almost a year, and I rejected him just coz' it's not right, and that you would feel hurt? And then you believe his bullcrap of a story about how he USED me to get in touch with you? And then you call ME childish and irresponsible? You've got some nerve! If you show up again at my doorstep expecting that you'll give me a hug and a peck on the cheek, and I'll erase everything and take you back, then you're wrong... So back off..K?

Maybe it wasn't just a bad day. The whole week seems to be off to a bad start. The good part being that half of it is over. Also, the countdown for my exam begins. One month to go. FML.

Love,
Apfel.

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn...

I've been having a bad day today. I mean nothing bad happened as such, it's just I feel super irritated with every single thing that's been happening since morning. I woke up at my usual time, completed my daily chores and I just needed to sit in some peace and quiet when Leo (younger bro) decides to show up and start singing around me. Okay, he is a really great singer but to be really honest, his voice was piercing into my ears, brain, mind and soul. That was the outbreak of it, and since then whatever anyone said to me has been putting me off. I am feeling so angry, and I just realized I am even grinding my teeth as I am writing this post. PMS? I hope so!! Top it off with the marathon that has been playing on my PC coz' Leo wants to watch all the episodes of Two And A Half Men all over again. I used to like it, but I really cannot stand it right now.

Ryan called me this morning, and given that I was already in an irritated+frustrated mood, I started sobbing and unloaded majorly on him. With everything that has been bothering me. Sometimes you just need someone to hear you out. He did that exactly. Sometimes you just want someone to assure you that everything's going to be okay, regardless of how shitty the situation is, or how shitty their own lives are. He did that too. I did feel better, but that just made me miss being with him.

Joe and Peggy (A friend and his ex gf) have been pot roasting my brain for 2 days over their stupid break up now. The break up happened IN MAY 2010. They have STILL not had the closing talk. Last night Peggy asked me if it would be okay for her and Joe to have "the talk" in my presence, just to be safe? Just so that when she insults him, he does not get mad at her and insult her back? Start cleaning up your own mess people!!! I mean WTF?! Just coz' I'm nice to you does not mean you walk all over me, missy! I said NO. In big, block, bold letters. No. This has to stop. Then I called Joe and asked him to give me a break too. Put my cellphone on silent mode, and asked people to stop calling me for once. I am done with solving peoples' problems now. I fuckin' need to be ALONE! (and also I need a hug)

I miss my British Guy a lot. I met him in a chatroom last August, before I called it quits with Ryan. and I know you're all thinking I'm stupid, but we really hit it off. We really did. He was almost (too) perfect. We were planning on meeting this April. Now The Brit has a problem. He goes into a shell whenever he is in any crisis. He went missing for a month in September, and I was behaving like a kid who had her first heartbreak, like sobbing after him etc. He did show up, and promised that he wont repeat it again. The last I heard from him was when he wished me Merry Christmas, and since then he has been missing again. It's been a month now. Even though I'm not shedding tears, I miss him like crazy. I know I need to move on... I'm trying to. But I miss him. A lot. A lot more than I ever thought I would.

Sigh... I feel so frustrated, I wanna bang my head into a wall!!!!! Ughhh....

Hope all of you have a better day than I did!
Love
Apfel.

Once bitten, Twice shy, It still happens to me, And I don't know why... (Or maybe I do)

This will be the last chapter of my rather long posts about my past relationships, I promise!

Okay so after me and Justin broke up, I spent the next 3 months locked up in my room. I did not attend classes, all I ate was frozen pasta from the nearby gas station, and played the movie Chicken Little all day on repeat mode. Somehow it used to give me a sense of comfort and that was the only way I could catch some sleep.

After 3 months of sulking and crying and staying in bed (and not shaving my legs), I decided to concentrate on my studies. My family was super supportive. They knew about the breakup, but I had been lying about attending my classes regularly, and somehow Mom always knows, just by the tone of my "hello" on the phone. She asked me to go out, shop for myself, make new friends and try and start over. I used to be the kind of girl who always had people around her and here I was all alone, with no one to talk to, walking around malls like a zombie, but sometime later I got used to being lonely. It felt comfortable.

One morning as I was headed to my college in our college shuttle (we used to have pick ups and drop offs), we made a new stop. Some guy who had been on vacation had just come back to resume his course. I saw him as we approached his building, and he looked like the biggest snob on this planet. Rugged looking, bald, but super stylish, well dressed from head to toe, he seemed to have an air about himself. We picked him up, he was sitting next to me the whole time but we did not exchange even so much as a single look. Then we moved on. I got back home after my class, and resumed my Frozen-pasta-with-Chicken-Little regime when someone started pounding on my door. I opened and it was the same guy, heres our conversation:

"Hey, is Dog here?"
I'm like "Who?"..
"Oh.. I mean X. I'm looking for X. He used to live here"..
"Oh, he moved upstairs. I live here now"
"Oh okay, sorry about that"
"It's okay"
"I'm Ryan"
"I'm Apfel, nice to meet you"
"Nice to meet you too"

Later that afternoon we ended up talking to each other formally for some time, and then every one else joined in and we played UNO till late in the night. Finally, I was talking to people. Ryan exchanged numbers with me, and then asked me out to go pubbing with him. I was crushing on this other guy back then, who was a spitting image of Justin, and I promptly said no. Ryan took it on his ego and did not call me after that. Few weeks later I bumped into him at college again, and we had lunch together, by this time he had heard stories about my bad breakup with Justin, and was trying to be nice to me. Soon, he was my only good friend in the campus.

I owe a lot to Ryan. He taught me how to love being alone. I remember one time he took me to the liquor store and bought me a huge bottle of Vodka, and then asked me to go home and get drunk all alone. We used to talk on the phone, chat all day long, and he helped me get over Justin way earlier than I had expected. One evening he asked me to go out with him for drinks, reluctantly I said yes, but I had confused thoughts inside my mind about whether this was just a normal outing or a date. We had a good time, talking about everything from sports to music, and then he dropped me home like a gentleman. While he was walking me to the door, I was anticipating a kiss (I don't know why), but he just said goodbye and left. 'Well, that was not a date after all', I thought to myself, but still had a smile on my face, coz' this was my first outing in a really long time. I got ready for bed, and someone knocked at the door, I opened the door and it was Ryan,

"Hey, you... I thought you left!"
"I forgot something"
"Oh,What?"
He then kissed me. It was the best kiss ever.

Before we knew it, we were making out like crazy people, and no one knew about it. Late nights was our time. We decided to be in a non commitment relationship. Who knew it would last for 4 good years!!! With Ryan I learned the value of respecting the opposite person, giving them space, living life like it was the last day everyday, believing in yourself, and taking things easy. He brought out the best in me. 3 months into the relationship I found out that he already had a long term girlfriend back home. So what was I, then? I have spent my time sitting and sobbing internally while he spoke to his girlfriend on the phone and said to her that he loved her. Men are such jerks. 8 months into our relationship, he broke up with his gf and I thought well, at least this is getting serious. Out of the 4 years we were/have been together, we lived in for 2 years. The next 2 years were long distance since we completed our courses and returned back to India. I still managed to visit him a lot during our first year of LDR. From being together all the time to being away from each other completely, the transition sucked. We did make the best of whatever time we did spend together, whenever we met. He got close to my entire family, and vice versa.

I never really had the usual problems with Ryan, coz' we almost never fought, gave each other lots of space and the spark was always there. We were so comfortable around each other and used to each others routine, and it all just seemed right. Now, I am sure some (or all) of you know that sometimes even when everything is okay, you feel like you're going around in circles and nothing is moving ahead. There was never a next level with me and Ryan. In the 4 years that we were together, he never said he loves me. I thought maybe one day he will, but he did not. He never even so much as refered to me with the sweetie's and cutie's and honey's... and I got tired of begging for every single emotion from him. I was tired of just assuming stuff, especially when we got into an LDR and it became more important to express feelings. Like saying I Miss You for instance. He never said that he missed me. But he definitely said that he missed my rack. It sucked.

( Oh and yes, I caught him cheating on me. Not once, not twice, 4 times. But I think it deserves a new post. Sometime in the future. )



With a huge lump in my throat, I ended my relationship with him, but I cannot spend a single day without mentioning him coz' he was such an integral part of my daily life, and even though I was dissatisfied, I always had the assurance that he was still there.... and in a moment he was gone. He was in the same boat too... So we decided to give it a try again, but it did not work out coz' now I was not compromising as much as I used to... and he is used to being the Alpha Male (give me a freakin' break).. No one massages his ego anymore and that makes him angry (I secretly love it). I guess we are not meant to be afterall.

The Crystal Maze of Love, And getting used to life outside India

I was so exhausted with Dumbo and his emotional crap, and was also dealing with being by myself, without family, in a foreign country, living in an apartment with 4 other guys, and attending classes with 16 added to them, it was all getting a bit too much for me. Domestic Labor is very reasonable in India so before I moved out of the country, I always had a housekeeper at my beck and call, 24*7. Suddenly I had to deal with stuff like cooking my own meals, doing my own laundry and cleaning up after myself. During the initial one month of my training, I had to share a bedroom with a guy (who was also from India), of course we had separate beds, and he used to be logged on to the internet the whole time, trying to find someone to e-hump (which I did not know about). Even if I was a player, I was innocent and I thought that no one would want to hurt people or do things against them on purpose. I had to learn my lesson the hard way.

While I was going through this whole deal, I developed a huge crush on Justin, who lived alone in the next room. I used to think of my roommate as my friend, so I shared that with him, and he told me that Justin already has a girlfriend. So I kept my thoughts to myself. Justin used to always be into himself, he was the cutest guy on the campus, but also very shy - and that made him come across as a snobby, self obsessed person. I used to observe him a lot, how he enjoyed simple things like the sunshine in the middle of all that snow, and the beautiful blue of the cold, crisp sky during winters. We used to bump into each other more often than not, and he might have caught me staring at him with dreamy eyes even more often than that.

My jerk roommate was no good at studies, so the college decided to throw him out. We had arranged for a small going away party, followed by some dancing at the nearby club. He told me that he liked me at the party, to which I responded that I did not feel the same way for him. When we went to the club, he asked me to dance with him, and while we were dancing he suddenly kissed me. I was SO shocked! I did not see that coming. What I absolutely did not see coming was the applause that followed and everyone was cheering for us and I just looked over at Justin, and he was cheering for us too, but giving me the puppy-eyed look. I stormed out furiously, and asked my jerky roommate to fuck off out the house before I physically hurt him.

After jerk left, I broke into tears... It was just me and Justin in the house. He came over to me and started consoling me, thinking that I was upset with jerk leaving and that I was going to miss him. I gave him a confused look, and then he told me the story that shocked my socks off. Apparently my jerky roommate told the other guys that he was doing me all night, and that I was his girlfriend, and that is why everyone was applauding when he kissed me at the club. In fact Justin had asked him about me, and he asked Justin to back off coz' I was his girlfriend. I mean WTF?! I told Justin my side of the story too, and just felt glad that the air had cleared, also clearing the fact that we both had been crushing on each other badly, and it had been going on for sometime.

The next weekend was my birthday. But the whole week before that made my cheeks hurt so bad, because all we did was exchange looks, accidentally catching one eyeing the other, blushing constantly, those unfinished lines, and the rapid heartbeats. I had already broken up with Dumbo by then. All this only made it easier for me to avoid his calls and stop logging on to the internet for once. The guys took me out to the club on the night before my birthday and there was a lot of dancing (I did not drink back then!) and dedicating songs, a proper countdown to me turning 19, and at midnight I was being hugged by 19 guys at the same time (aww + ouch). They started playing the slow numbers at the end of the night, and I asked Justin to dance with me. We had our first close dance that night. I don't know what got over me but I gave him a peck on his cheek and both of us were blushing through the entire dance. It was a fun night, we got back home,I went over to Justin's room and asked  for a birthday gift. He said he did not have one, and I said, a kiss would do. And then he kissed me. And then we started dating! Haha.... I have a smile on my face as I am typing this story.

We lived in for 3 months after that. He made me feel like a princess. He was the first guy who made love to me. It was just all meant to be. 3 months later his course was over, and he had to return back home. That is when it all started going down the drain. Long Distance Relationships (LDR) suck as hell, and I might be the Queen of LDR's. He got busy with a job hunt, and I missed him so dearly, I used to feel lonely and cry a lot. He did his best to keep in touch, but it was just not enough. I guess it just becomes a lot more difficult when you get physically involved with a guy (in the name of love). I started falling sick a lot and missed my classes, which started affecting my performance academically. I was so depressed, that one day I took a flight back to India and went straight to his city to see him, even before I visited home.

He had come to the airport to pick me up, and offered for me to stay at his place with his parents for a few days, and I graciously accepted. Now this was a huge thing, it does not happen in Indian families. Also, I told my Mom about Justin before I left for India to keep her informed, and she was not happy (as expected), but asked me to be at my best behavior anyway. Then followed the 7 most tormented days I ever went through. I just could not fit in, and I am clearly not made for the whole typical Indian girl thing who covers her head with a dupatta and touches elder peoples' feet every single morning. I am not like that. If I don't love you, I wouldn't even give you a hug, and I do not touch my own parents' feet so his parents was out of the question. He started imposing stuff on me, which I did not like, and then it just turned into a huge ball of mess with families getting in and Ego's getting hurt and then his parents played the Astrology card (Big thing here, they match the birth charts of the boy and the girl before they get married), and said that I was bad omen for him, and like an idiot he just kept following his parents without a second thought.

I decided in the mean while that me and my parents (whom I had grown awfully close to, I guess distance does make hearts grow fonder in some cases) had been through enough, and went back to my city, spent some good time back home, and then returned back for my course, but to a new institute and a new city. I decided I needed a change. Co-incidentally, he was at the same institute for some extra classes, and we decided to give it one last shot. We lived in for another month. But it was not the same, we used to fight a lot, mostly over sex. Some ASSHOLE friend of his back home used to brag about how he used to do it with his gf without any protection, and that it was a sign of being a MAN if he could hold his own. And Justin wanted to try that with me, which I did not allow for obvious reasons. Soon, it was our first anniversary, and also my birthday again, and he was out all day with no time to spare for me. 5 days later, we broke up, and he returned back home.

Gosh, I really write long stories, don't I? But this is the only way I can let it out! I'll continue in my next post ;)


 I know it's morning for most of you girls who read me so I'll just share a Bollywood song that I usually listen to and thought it might brighten up your day ;) Don't know how many of you are into Bollywood music but the beats might just do their thing for you :)

Ainvayi Ainvayi - Band Baaja Baaraat
Please open it in a new tab/window!
For all of you into Indian Weddings, it's a wedding dance number 

Love,
xoxo
Apfel

How I entered the cryptic maze of LOVE

Good news, I ended up studying for 4 long hours last evening, lol.

Well, there is just so much to tell that I have been confused with what to write about first. I thought I'll just begin with a quick (?) flashback of my time and the people involved.

I was raised in a very strict atmosphere where I was supposed to only listen, and never ask counter questions. At the same time, I was allowed to wear what I wanted, and play with boys all the time, since there were no girls of my age group where we lived. So I ended up playing a lot of Cricket and Football, and turned into quite the Tomboy/Bully. This was why I was always the class leader during my junior school, where I used to boss people around and I was that kid who always sucked up to the teacher, scored well, good in arts, but hated by most.

As I went to high school, I had my own issues coz I started "growing up" and all I had with me was stupid guy friends coz' for their age they were not quite well informed of puberty. All we did was laugh our asses off in the Sex Ed classes and the girls felt embarrassed (I was making fun of them with the guys, for which I later got the tag of "stickass"). I had my first crush in 7th grade where I majorly struggled with myself into accepting that I was actually attracted to someone. I still remember that feeling, it was lame coz' the only reason I had a crush on him was that, everyone else had a crush on him. Eventually one of the bitches in the class got to know about it and it spread like wildfire, and there my crush was over. I had my first real crush when I was almost completing 9th grade. My then bff spoke to the guy on my behalf, and he turned me down on my face coz' I was more like a buddy to him. Who would wanna go for a haphazardly dressed girl, in khakis and sweatshirt, slightly plump and like a strange crossover who looked like a fat dude with long pigtails from a distance anyway? :P

I remember I was sooo heartbroken, and in tears, and my BFF back then told me that, it did not work out just for one reason, it's coz' you deserve someone better... and man was she right, coz' I use those words to motivate myself till date. And also coz' I ended up dating a really hot-looking guy who was my first boyfriend, lets call him "Dumbo"(coz' the only thing hot about him other than his anger issues were his looks, which highly surpassed the anger issue). That's when I started turning into a proper girl.

I was with Dumbo for 4 years, and it was like teenage love, we spoke over the phone all day (and all night). He looked so handsome, I was the girl with the best looking guy around and everyone was jealous of me (blushes). But it was not as perfect as it sounds. In the 4 years that we were together, we barely met 15 times, out of which 10 were in the last year of our relationship. Dumbo had a problem, he could not face girls, the first time we went out he started shivering and had a black out. I was scared as hell haha.. He touched me for the first time 2 years into the relationship and we had our first kiss 5 months before we broke up. Due to his general absence, I used to cheat on him (a lot). My first proper kiss was in fact with a random guy who was 24 when I was 15. I don't regret it coz' it was a good kiss. Besides Dumbo had MAJOR anger issues, which I was his prey for... He would bash me for anything and everything that went wrong in his life. During the week I used to be in college, and did not talk to him a lot, but everyone knew on Monday Mornings what happened over the weekend when I went for the early morning classes with Red, Swollen eyes.

The main reason behind our break up was that he was very insecure with my career choice. I chose a career path which is mainly male dominated, and involves a lot of "staying out", so he used to interrogate me a lot, even when it was not needed. When I was growing up, the whole idea behind getting into a relationship was that eventually you had to get married to each other. There was no dating concept. No first, second, third dates. You say I love you (even when you really don't coz' obviously you have not even spent enough time with this person), and if the opposite accepts, that's it. They will call your parents their in-laws and vice versa. Religion, castes, the issues with arranged marriages, could all be discussed later. So Dumbo's mom had already accepted me as their future daughter in law, and was on very good terms with me considering that I handled her sons' random anger outbursts very well. That was not enough, coz' when I left India for pursuing my higher studies, I used to live in an apartment full of guys, I was the only girl there. He would keep viewing me on the webcam all day and even if a guy was visible in the distant background, I had to answer so many questions. He ended up suffocating me so bad, I called it off.

I have a tendency to not remain single, and it started since I was 14, I have never been single at a given point of time for more than 3 months. But after Dumbo, it only took me a week to start going out with my second boyfriend, Justin. I guess this post is too long by now, so I will continue with my Justin story and also how I met Ryan, in the next post.

Love you guys,
xo
Apfel

P.S. Complaints on how awfully long this post is, will be expected and accepted ;)

Of Bad Internet, Engineer with the Hot Voice, Directionless thoughts, and Fever.

So while I was replying to FF's super-awesome-rofl comment on my last post about tying people up with sarees and then burying them in curry (I am still lmao), my internet connection died... Ughhh.... and they still haven't managed to get it fixed. The customer service agent guy took my query, then a tech support guy called me back and made me do stuf (unfortunately, not dirty stuff,but he had a HOT voice) on my laptop, only to tell me that there was some problem from their server end and that their field whatever Engineer will look into it and give me a call back. I hope his voice is hotter. Gosh I need help.

Oh by the way I have been so excited about this whole "me" blog that I keep thinking of stuff that I thought but never let it out and maybe this is the right platform for me to do so, and tried to make a mental list but that is way too long for me to remember. But let me tell you something, in an Indian girl's story, there ought to be a lot of characters, and mine has quite a load of people on it lol ;)

Maybe this whole internet stopped working thing is a sign for me, you know, like to PICK UP THE DARN BOOK AND STUDY! Strange things, the universe does to us! Let me open my book now and study (dream about my British sweetheart whom I've never met in person, and probably never will)... No, for real. I'm gonna study!


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That was me trying to post from my cellphone while my Internet was not working. It's fine now! But guess what, I have an old friend visiting me - FEVER! I just got barely healthy enough to start working out and now my back is killing me coz' it hurts so much, and I feel weak but I just hope I get better. I have only 4 weeks to go!

By the way, Joe's MOM called me last night at 3 AM or something. I didn't even know she had my number. She was almost in tears and worried about her son. He hadn't called her all day yesterday and that got her worried. Well, he had called me yesterday though and bugged me over stupid girl(s) issues. Anyway I told her that your son is fine and he should be home in about an hour (He was out of town) and he will definitely call you tomorrow first thing in the morning. She seemed better then. I was so WTF-ed by it coz' well I was fast asleep and in the middle of a really good dream, but that aside, I could not go to bed for another hour, and in the bargain I ended waking up an hour later than my scheduled time and so the whole day has been irritating. I love having me a peaceful morning.

Later in the day my sorta-ex-but-not-really-coz'-we-kinda-got-back-together-but-idk-for-how-long boyfriend of 4 years (Let's call him Ryan) called. I am so used to sharing everything that happens with this man, and I told him about last night's incident and his reaction was like -'no comments, but his MOM has your number - hmmm'. I told him he was reading a bit too much into the lines and that I was Joe's only friend, but yeah I have started to get irritated with this whole Joe deal and I do not like meeting up with people every week or even every other week. I like to be alone. I also hate talking on the phone, and he is the opposite of all of that. Every time he drives into my area, he has to give me a call and insist on meeting up, or giving me "surprises" by just showing up (when I wanna be alone, but he gets me chocolates so well I fall for it), and he is so talkative that trust me, if you even leave him alone, he will end up talking to himself. He actually does that quite often and has scared the shit out of me coz' I was right next to him while he was driving :|

So now the deal is that Ryan is jealous of Joe (He actually hates the guy), and ends up throwing taunts at me like 'oh, you're feeling low? maybe you should meet up with Joe, he will take you out'.... and I'm like huh?

By the way, he lives in another city so part of his insecurity (which he NEVER admits) makes sense.

See, I told ya'll, there are many characters in my story lol... but well I think each significant character does require to have a little bit of  backdrop too.

Love, now and forever <3
Apfel

And the story continues...

Okay, so I'm back. But trust me I didn't even go near the book in the mean while. I did a little bit of cooking, some eating, then talking, and then this friend called me, let's call him Joe. Joe and I have known each other for like 5 years now, but only became friends last year when I read on facebook that things were not going so well between him and his unofficial fiance Peggy. Trust me, they were the.cutest.couple.ever! I felt bad for them and decided to help out (wrong decision). Anyway so I became good friends with both of them eventually but I guess I'm closer to Joe like that, and the man has transformed a bit too much in the past few months. Blame that on me too. I was the one who told him that he needed to "get out there" and not let his life revolve around a single person. Now, he seems to fall for every other girl that talks to him and guess who gets a call to play Dr.Love? Me. Ughh. Honestly I do not like that change in him and I told him that to his face today and he understands me in a weird way so he does take everything I say to him in a positive way. Thank fuck for that. Anyway when I said he understands me in a weird way I think he "understood" a little late that I was super bored and slightly irritated with the hour long conversation and finally he decided to say goodbye for the day. Thank fuck for that too.

Anyway so one very important character in my story is my baby bro Leo, for whom I could kill anyone on this planet. Literally. I love him to death. And he really does understand me. Like the kind of telepathic conversations people have and all you need is a "look" or an "Expression" lol. So after this phone call I started blabbering it all out to Leo and as always he patiently listened to all of it, and gave me the blank expression. Which basically means he doesn't care. Actually I shouldn't care either, right? Sigh.

So then I ended up talking to Mom and Dad. Yes, I live with them, and I am an Indian, and before you picture me sitting in a call center and answering to the name Mary (which in my weird Indian Accent I would pronounce as Merry), and being all stuck up and close minded and wearing Sarees all the time and only eating Curry, let me tell you that I am not all that. I am a modern, individualistic, and a pretty young woman, who is so open minded that (Indian) people think of her as a slut, they also consider my bluntness and the approach towards life as "Casual" and yes, I have a decent command over my English. Unlike the stereotypical Indian, I love my beef. I love my pork. I am almost allergic to hot and spicy food, it does not suit me, and I do not have curry as my meal everyday. You should check out my food blog sometime, I'll share it here one day. I do not have an Indian accent. So I do not pronounce Paint as Paaeennntt :P Oh and yes, I am madly (a tear is stuck at the corner of my eye as I type this) in love with a British guy. A virtual British guy. Who I share a weird relationship with. More on that, later.

I just got my first comment as I was typing this, and man it made me so happy :)
Love You FF!!

So yeah, I have been reading through a lot of blogs and some of them were racist. I am not racist, but yes I am an individualist. And sometimes I do feel like I am bashed up and judged for no apparent fault of my own, you know! I did my higher education and professional training outside India, and I fit in well with the Non-Indians too. So, dear readers, please don't hate me without getting to know me!

Much Love
xoxo
Apfel <3

And the story begins...

Well, I woke up this morning all excited about my new "me" blog and couldn't wait to start writing stuff till I started blog hopping and discovered some blogging awesomeness around. I guess I am not alone, and it's comforting in a weird way. It's like a whole bunch of people all working in different directions, but in a parallel universe they're all together, just making new beginnings, and giving life another chance.

My writing might be slightly influenced by all the reading that I have been doing since morning, and it's almost evening here right now, and I have no idea how time passed by! Now let me cut the yap yap and get straight to the point - some more yap yap.

I have been cooking some really exciting dishes these days. I have been baking a lot (Baking gives me the high), My drawers are neatly organized (almost), and my wardrobe is not in a mess (It's killing me inside because when it's organized, I never seem to find anything that I'm looking for). Oh yes, also I changed the sheets on my bed, had a nice long bath, colored my nails and half a pedicure. I cannot delay it anymore. I NEED TO STUDY.NOW.

Unemployment sucks. I am not a student, but I hold professional qualification for a reputed position for which, as of now, there is a lot of competition. So I have to be studying up for the job exam, which, if I clear, I will have to go through another 4 rounds of selection to gain a proud and coveted spot on "the seat". And I have a month to go (more or less), in which I have to study up on a humongous sum of 16 huge books, plus some more to make my chances better, plus I need to really get my health together (Yes, I have weight issues. But I am still prettier than many of the ugly skinny bitches out there. I think I should cover this topic in a whole new post.). And here I am, blog-hopping and doing everything possible to just put it off - coz I am losing my focus have lost my focus, completely!

The reason is not something that I can zero up on. But I think the onset of this whole confusion and the ugly mess in my mind is because I am going thought something like a breakup. I mean we broke up, and then we got back together, and we are still together but well it doesn't really feel like we're really back together ( except in some obvious areas). There has been a lot going on around me, and I seem to have gone into a strange shell of living aloof from people who are even sitting next to me. My mind is always somewhere else. I open the book, I look into it for hours but well - For the past 10 days the book is still on the same page. That is Page 1.

I don't know how I'm gonna get my focus back but I REALLY NEED TO. Coz' for a 23 year old, Unemployment really sucks. And I made a promise to myself (and someone else) that I will get a job this year. I am feeling like opening my book and studying up now. So I am going to continue this blahness in my next post, which should be few hours from now.

XO

"About Me"

Okay so technically I have to have a post about me. I don't know, I'll just put down a few things about me!

A 20 something girl, trying to make some sense out of her otherwise chaotic life, I mean it's super calm outside but the chaos is all within. Hence the blog! Gotta let it out somewhere, if not to someone. I think I perform the best when I try and advise people (with genuine problems). I believe that it is always easier to pass a judgment in an unbiased way when you look at things from the third-person perspective. I don't think that is humanly possible, so I try and push away anyone who gets too close to me. I find it much easier to talk to people who I barely know, and can be 'whatever I wanna be' with. No ones gonna go dig dead bodies from the past and question me on that (I hope).

As far as my friend circle goes, I have a handful of close friends, but all the others are just acquaintances. That does not mean I don't love them. I love all of them, it's just that I would be really hurt if any of my close friends just randomly left, or said anything behind my back. Rest, I think I can deal with.

I would be kidding if I said I am a 20 something without relationship issues. That would be lying. And I hate liars. I admit that I have my fair (a huge chunk) share of relationship quibbles, you will be reading A LOT about that in the coming blog posts lol.

I love: accessories, handbags, love, desserts, shoes, perfumes, gadgets, actually I love everything. I am a LOVER ;)

I hate: Liars, People who hurt others intentionally, Cats (I am actually beginning to like them believe it or not), Confusion, Egotism, I-got-a-penny-in-my-savings-account-but-I-only-talk-about-Mercedes-and-Ferrari attitude, and BUBBLE TEA. I freakin' hate Bubble Tea.

Well, as of now, this seems good. I plan to bicker and rant and complain in here for like 3 times a day, like the mandatory doses of medicine during illness. Will see ya'll as we fly up to the top, coz' it's a long way to the top if you wanna rock n' roll \m/

And here we go again!

HEY to whoevers reading me right now, and no, I am not a new blogger, nor am I unfamiliar with the world of blogging. This is still, a brand new beginning, the beginning of continuous rants which I do not expect anyone to follow, so I am not going to be knocking anyone's blog for just having you back here following me. If I ever comment on your blog, it just means that I genuinely like what you wrote.

The reason why I started this blog is that I just want to be able to write whatever I want to without having to feel any social pressure of doing things to please anyone at all. Just need a space where I can be myself, and be by myself. And yeah, I am leaving the comments section open so that if anyone goes through something similar, or has been through something similar, maybe they would enlighten me a little bit (or not at all).

No, I am not a bitch. Well, who am I kidding, I kinda am. But I don't hurt people on purpose. Never ever. So if you ever thought I hurt you on purpose, holla at me and I'll explain(or not) as to what went wrong and why I hurt you. I'm a nice girl like that *smirks*

Another thing. If you know my previous blogs and stumbled upon this one, and I haven't already told you about it, then you probably weren't meant to know about it either. It would be appreciated if you just kept your special achievement to yourself. You could just go ahead and ask me via email if it is really me, and we shall take it from there then. And if you do ask me via IM or anything, and I just say "yes, it is my blog" and do not explain further, then you probably should not be bugging me with all your inquisitions.

For all others, Just call me the Grumbling Apple! I am sure you would love calling me that after reading this post, lol.

Cheers to a brand new journey!