I thought I'll sleep over my anger last night and it did work, woke up with a fresh attitude and a refreshed mood. Today is Republic Day in India. It used to be a proud thing when we were kids and we would hoist the Indian flag and sing songs and wear white, green and orange, but now, it's just like another Sunday, only with a little patriotic feeling and people selling the Indian flag on the road. To my utter dismay, it's another damn public holiday. That means Mom AND Dad are both home. Sometimes it's not a bad thing. But today is.
Okay, now I have many many books in my closet and one thing that I take pride in is that no matter how much I have used those books over the years, Not one of them is crumpled up. I hate books that are in bad shape. It's okay to have some doodling and some dog-eared pages for reference, but it is not okay to have dust, or spilled food/gravy on the pages. It has to smell like a book, and the fragrance of paper gives me a high.
I am also a very patient person. Too patient, perhaps, which is why people tend to walk all over me. I am the one who would always be expected to look at things from the opposite person's perspective, and be understanding about it. It was okay before, but not now. Especially if you're so close to me, I expect you to give back in the form of at least the little things.
I used to have a BFF till one year ago. We don't talk anymore. It's her birthday today. We were a group of 3, and the third girl called me up to tell me that BFF was back from the States and she invited her to the Birthday Party, and suggested that I should tag along too and mend the gap. I might have wanted to do it a month ago, when I was beginning a new year and was in the forgiving mode. We tried to get in touch with her back then, but she had other important things to do, like sit around and watch TV. For 14 days. Now, I don't feel like going. I'm not gonna go.
With all these things bottling up inside my head, I tend to have random outbursts once in a while. Today was one of those days. I screamed at my Mom, and then my Housekeeper(for the first time in 3 years), and then my Dad, and then I burst into tears like a little kid, all alone in my room. This was all because, my housekeeper managed to get a giant crease full of dust on 1 page of my book, which is why I spent almost half an hour crying and trying to get it back to normal. It's looking like a crushed paper from the trash can :( Sigh.. So I'm just going to say some things to people. I need to get it out of my system. Before I lose my head once again.
Mom and Dad : You're the reason I am in the middle of so many health and career problems today. If you cannot encourage me, don't discourage me either. I am your daughter, but you do not own me. I can make my own decisions. So back off... K?
Housekeeper : I never raise my voice on domestic help. But you lied. Point blank. And you accused me of something that I did not do. If I save your ass day after day when your work is not up to the mark, I am not the one who is supposed to take the blame for it. You're on my hitlist, bitch. Next time you lie, you're going down. So back off... K?
Joe, Peggy : I am done with your stupid break up business. Yes, you heard me, its fuckin' stupid and pointless. Stop behaving like little babies and take responsibility for your actions. I am not here to clean up YOUR mess. So leave me alone and back off.. K?
Ryan : You're probably the best thing that happened to me and you kept me going with a calm head through this huge messy setting for 4 years, then why don't you fuckin' own up and say you love me? I mean grow a set of balls and MAN up! Ughh.. and if you don't then you fuckin' don't deserve to be in my life anymore, and if you really have so many problems with me hanging out with other guys then admit that you're possessive. I am not going to kill/eat you! Get a life and back off.. K?
British Guy : Now that you're not showing up, I have decided to move on. So if you come back, you better have a darn good reason to support that absence, then maybe I'll take you back as a friend (coz' you're incredibly hot and the sight of you soothes my eyes and brain) but WE are not going to happen. I am not going to sit here, waste my time sulking over you while you might potentially banging some English chick out there, never know. So you need to back off too... K?
BFF : You choose to be with a guy (whom you loved 6 yrs ago and then started dating someone else) who was pursuing me and tried his best to get in my pants for almost a year, and I rejected him just coz' it's not right, and that you would feel hurt? And then you believe his bullcrap of a story about how he USED me to get in touch with you? And then you call ME childish and irresponsible? You've got some nerve! If you show up again at my doorstep expecting that you'll give me a hug and a peck on the cheek, and I'll erase everything and take you back, then you're wrong... So back off..K?
Maybe it wasn't just a bad day. The whole week seems to be off to a bad start. The good part being that half of it is over. Also, the countdown for my exam begins. One month to go. FML.
Love,
Apfel.
Okay, now I have many many books in my closet and one thing that I take pride in is that no matter how much I have used those books over the years, Not one of them is crumpled up. I hate books that are in bad shape. It's okay to have some doodling and some dog-eared pages for reference, but it is not okay to have dust, or spilled food/gravy on the pages. It has to smell like a book, and the fragrance of paper gives me a high.
I am also a very patient person. Too patient, perhaps, which is why people tend to walk all over me. I am the one who would always be expected to look at things from the opposite person's perspective, and be understanding about it. It was okay before, but not now. Especially if you're so close to me, I expect you to give back in the form of at least the little things.
I used to have a BFF till one year ago. We don't talk anymore. It's her birthday today. We were a group of 3, and the third girl called me up to tell me that BFF was back from the States and she invited her to the Birthday Party, and suggested that I should tag along too and mend the gap. I might have wanted to do it a month ago, when I was beginning a new year and was in the forgiving mode. We tried to get in touch with her back then, but she had other important things to do, like sit around and watch TV. For 14 days. Now, I don't feel like going. I'm not gonna go.
With all these things bottling up inside my head, I tend to have random outbursts once in a while. Today was one of those days. I screamed at my Mom, and then my Housekeeper(for the first time in 3 years), and then my Dad, and then I burst into tears like a little kid, all alone in my room. This was all because, my housekeeper managed to get a giant crease full of dust on 1 page of my book, which is why I spent almost half an hour crying and trying to get it back to normal. It's looking like a crushed paper from the trash can :( Sigh.. So I'm just going to say some things to people. I need to get it out of my system. Before I lose my head once again.
Mom and Dad : You're the reason I am in the middle of so many health and career problems today. If you cannot encourage me, don't discourage me either. I am your daughter, but you do not own me. I can make my own decisions. So back off... K?
Housekeeper : I never raise my voice on domestic help. But you lied. Point blank. And you accused me of something that I did not do. If I save your ass day after day when your work is not up to the mark, I am not the one who is supposed to take the blame for it. You're on my hitlist, bitch. Next time you lie, you're going down. So back off... K?
Joe, Peggy : I am done with your stupid break up business. Yes, you heard me, its fuckin' stupid and pointless. Stop behaving like little babies and take responsibility for your actions. I am not here to clean up YOUR mess. So leave me alone and back off.. K?
Ryan : You're probably the best thing that happened to me and you kept me going with a calm head through this huge messy setting for 4 years, then why don't you fuckin' own up and say you love me? I mean grow a set of balls and MAN up! Ughh.. and if you don't then you fuckin' don't deserve to be in my life anymore, and if you really have so many problems with me hanging out with other guys then admit that you're possessive. I am not going to kill/eat you! Get a life and back off.. K?
British Guy : Now that you're not showing up, I have decided to move on. So if you come back, you better have a darn good reason to support that absence, then maybe I'll take you back as a friend (coz' you're incredibly hot and the sight of you soothes my eyes and brain) but WE are not going to happen. I am not going to sit here, waste my time sulking over you while you might potentially banging some English chick out there, never know. So you need to back off too... K?
BFF : You choose to be with a guy (whom you loved 6 yrs ago and then started dating someone else) who was pursuing me and tried his best to get in my pants for almost a year, and I rejected him just coz' it's not right, and that you would feel hurt? And then you believe his bullcrap of a story about how he USED me to get in touch with you? And then you call ME childish and irresponsible? You've got some nerve! If you show up again at my doorstep expecting that you'll give me a hug and a peck on the cheek, and I'll erase everything and take you back, then you're wrong... So back off..K?
Maybe it wasn't just a bad day. The whole week seems to be off to a bad start. The good part being that half of it is over. Also, the countdown for my exam begins. One month to go. FML.
Love,
Apfel.
4 comments:
This post reads cathartic, I hope it was!
I own a keychain and a pencil with the quote by Thomas Jefferson, "I cannot live without books." I believe that says it all.
Have you ever read Walter Benjamin's "Illuminations"? There's an essay on unpacking his library, here's a portion of it: http://www.idehist.uu.se/distans/ilmh/Ren/benj-bookcoll.htm.
Yeah I am in terrible need of an emotional catharsis, and I seriously hope this helps!
No, I haven't read the book, but reading the first para on this link itself has intrigued me. So I'm gonna get my hands on a copy of this one! I lost my love for reading when I went into a deep depression after reading Pride and Prejudice. But I need to get it back on, coz' books are our best friends :)
Whoo! Tell 'em! Sometimes writing it out is all it takes, but if you still find yourself upset with some of these situations, I'd seriously consider directly talking to whomever is upsetting you. I'm SUPER prone to bottling things up and it just makes things worse. Maybe don't go off as much as on here :) but a calm, reasonable talk can work wonders. Even if they don't respond to it you can be content with knowing you've done all you can. ♥
Heyy Stacey,
Yes, I have tried talking to each one of them. Calmly, and in a much composed manner. But each of these people are just so headstrong and do not see beyond themselves. For them it's all about being always right. Now that I have done everything that I can, I'm letting it out here as a last resort.
And guess what, it seems to be working :)
xoxo
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