This will be the last chapter of my rather long posts about my past relationships, I promise!
Okay so after me and Justin broke up, I spent the next 3 months locked up in my room. I did not attend classes, all I ate was frozen pasta from the nearby gas station, and played the movie Chicken Little all day on repeat mode. Somehow it used to give me a sense of comfort and that was the only way I could catch some sleep.
After 3 months of sulking and crying and staying in bed (and not shaving my legs), I decided to concentrate on my studies. My family was super supportive. They knew about the breakup, but I had been lying about attending my classes regularly, and somehow Mom always knows, just by the tone of my "hello" on the phone. She asked me to go out, shop for myself, make new friends and try and start over. I used to be the kind of girl who always had people around her and here I was all alone, with no one to talk to, walking around malls like a zombie, but sometime later I got used to being lonely. It felt comfortable.
One morning as I was headed to my college in our college shuttle (we used to have pick ups and drop offs), we made a new stop. Some guy who had been on vacation had just come back to resume his course. I saw him as we approached his building, and he looked like the biggest snob on this planet. Rugged looking, bald, but super stylish, well dressed from head to toe, he seemed to have an air about himself. We picked him up, he was sitting next to me the whole time but we did not exchange even so much as a single look. Then we moved on. I got back home after my class, and resumed my Frozen-pasta-with-Chicken-Little regime when someone started pounding on my door. I opened and it was the same guy, heres our conversation:
"Hey, is Dog here?"
I'm like "Who?"..
"Oh.. I mean X. I'm looking for X. He used to live here"..
"Oh, he moved upstairs. I live here now"
"Oh okay, sorry about that"
"It's okay"
"I'm Ryan"
"I'm Apfel, nice to meet you"
"Nice to meet you too"
Later that afternoon we ended up talking to each other formally for some time, and then every one else joined in and we played UNO till late in the night. Finally, I was talking to people. Ryan exchanged numbers with me, and then asked me out to go pubbing with him. I was crushing on this other guy back then, who was a spitting image of Justin, and I promptly said no. Ryan took it on his ego and did not call me after that. Few weeks later I bumped into him at college again, and we had lunch together, by this time he had heard stories about my bad breakup with Justin, and was trying to be nice to me. Soon, he was my only good friend in the campus.
I owe a lot to Ryan. He taught me how to love being alone. I remember one time he took me to the liquor store and bought me a huge bottle of Vodka, and then asked me to go home and get drunk all alone. We used to talk on the phone, chat all day long, and he helped me get over Justin way earlier than I had expected. One evening he asked me to go out with him for drinks, reluctantly I said yes, but I had confused thoughts inside my mind about whether this was just a normal outing or a date. We had a good time, talking about everything from sports to music, and then he dropped me home like a gentleman. While he was walking me to the door, I was anticipating a kiss (I don't know why), but he just said goodbye and left. 'Well, that was not a date after all', I thought to myself, but still had a smile on my face, coz' this was my first outing in a really long time. I got ready for bed, and someone knocked at the door, I opened the door and it was Ryan,
"Hey, you... I thought you left!"
"I forgot something"
"Oh,What?"
He then kissed me. It was the best kiss ever.
Before we knew it, we were making out like crazy people, and no one knew about it. Late nights was our time. We decided to be in a non commitment relationship. Who knew it would last for 4 good years!!! With Ryan I learned the value of respecting the opposite person, giving them space, living life like it was the last day everyday, believing in yourself, and taking things easy. He brought out the best in me. 3 months into the relationship I found out that he already had a long term girlfriend back home. So what was I, then? I have spent my time sitting and sobbing internally while he spoke to his girlfriend on the phone and said to her that he loved her. Men are such jerks. 8 months into our relationship, he broke up with his gf and I thought well, at least this is getting serious. Out of the 4 years we were/have been together, we lived in for 2 years. The next 2 years were long distance since we completed our courses and returned back to India. I still managed to visit him a lot during our first year of LDR. From being together all the time to being away from each other completely, the transition sucked. We did make the best of whatever time we did spend together, whenever we met. He got close to my entire family, and vice versa.
I never really had the usual problems with Ryan, coz' we almost never fought, gave each other lots of space and the spark was always there. We were so comfortable around each other and used to each others routine, and it all just seemed right. Now, I am sure some (or all) of you know that sometimes even when everything is okay, you feel like you're going around in circles and nothing is moving ahead. There was never a next level with me and Ryan. In the 4 years that we were together, he never said he loves me. I thought maybe one day he will, but he did not. He never even so much as refered to me with the sweetie's and cutie's and honey's... and I got tired of begging for every single emotion from him. I was tired of just assuming stuff, especially when we got into an LDR and it became more important to express feelings. Like saying I Miss You for instance. He never said that he missed me. But he definitely said that he missed my rack. It sucked.
( Oh and yes, I caught him cheating on me. Not once, not twice, 4 times. But I think it deserves a new post. Sometime in the future. )
With a huge lump in my throat, I ended my relationship with him, but I cannot spend a single day without mentioning him coz' he was such an integral part of my daily life, and even though I was dissatisfied, I always had the assurance that he was still there.... and in a moment he was gone. He was in the same boat too... So we decided to give it a try again, but it did not work out coz' now I was not compromising as much as I used to... and he is used to being the Alpha Male (give me a freakin' break).. No one massages his ego anymore and that makes him angry (I secretly love it). I guess we are not meant to be afterall.
Okay so after me and Justin broke up, I spent the next 3 months locked up in my room. I did not attend classes, all I ate was frozen pasta from the nearby gas station, and played the movie Chicken Little all day on repeat mode. Somehow it used to give me a sense of comfort and that was the only way I could catch some sleep.
After 3 months of sulking and crying and staying in bed (and not shaving my legs), I decided to concentrate on my studies. My family was super supportive. They knew about the breakup, but I had been lying about attending my classes regularly, and somehow Mom always knows, just by the tone of my "hello" on the phone. She asked me to go out, shop for myself, make new friends and try and start over. I used to be the kind of girl who always had people around her and here I was all alone, with no one to talk to, walking around malls like a zombie, but sometime later I got used to being lonely. It felt comfortable.
One morning as I was headed to my college in our college shuttle (we used to have pick ups and drop offs), we made a new stop. Some guy who had been on vacation had just come back to resume his course. I saw him as we approached his building, and he looked like the biggest snob on this planet. Rugged looking, bald, but super stylish, well dressed from head to toe, he seemed to have an air about himself. We picked him up, he was sitting next to me the whole time but we did not exchange even so much as a single look. Then we moved on. I got back home after my class, and resumed my Frozen-pasta-with-Chicken-Little regime when someone started pounding on my door. I opened and it was the same guy, heres our conversation:
"Hey, is Dog here?"
I'm like "Who?"..
"Oh.. I mean X. I'm looking for X. He used to live here"..
"Oh, he moved upstairs. I live here now"
"Oh okay, sorry about that"
"It's okay"
"I'm Ryan"
"I'm Apfel, nice to meet you"
"Nice to meet you too"
Later that afternoon we ended up talking to each other formally for some time, and then every one else joined in and we played UNO till late in the night. Finally, I was talking to people. Ryan exchanged numbers with me, and then asked me out to go pubbing with him. I was crushing on this other guy back then, who was a spitting image of Justin, and I promptly said no. Ryan took it on his ego and did not call me after that. Few weeks later I bumped into him at college again, and we had lunch together, by this time he had heard stories about my bad breakup with Justin, and was trying to be nice to me. Soon, he was my only good friend in the campus.
I owe a lot to Ryan. He taught me how to love being alone. I remember one time he took me to the liquor store and bought me a huge bottle of Vodka, and then asked me to go home and get drunk all alone. We used to talk on the phone, chat all day long, and he helped me get over Justin way earlier than I had expected. One evening he asked me to go out with him for drinks, reluctantly I said yes, but I had confused thoughts inside my mind about whether this was just a normal outing or a date. We had a good time, talking about everything from sports to music, and then he dropped me home like a gentleman. While he was walking me to the door, I was anticipating a kiss (I don't know why), but he just said goodbye and left. 'Well, that was not a date after all', I thought to myself, but still had a smile on my face, coz' this was my first outing in a really long time. I got ready for bed, and someone knocked at the door, I opened the door and it was Ryan,
"Hey, you... I thought you left!"
"I forgot something"
"Oh,What?"
He then kissed me. It was the best kiss ever.
Before we knew it, we were making out like crazy people, and no one knew about it. Late nights was our time. We decided to be in a non commitment relationship. Who knew it would last for 4 good years!!! With Ryan I learned the value of respecting the opposite person, giving them space, living life like it was the last day everyday, believing in yourself, and taking things easy. He brought out the best in me. 3 months into the relationship I found out that he already had a long term girlfriend back home. So what was I, then? I have spent my time sitting and sobbing internally while he spoke to his girlfriend on the phone and said to her that he loved her. Men are such jerks. 8 months into our relationship, he broke up with his gf and I thought well, at least this is getting serious. Out of the 4 years we were/have been together, we lived in for 2 years. The next 2 years were long distance since we completed our courses and returned back to India. I still managed to visit him a lot during our first year of LDR. From being together all the time to being away from each other completely, the transition sucked. We did make the best of whatever time we did spend together, whenever we met. He got close to my entire family, and vice versa.
I never really had the usual problems with Ryan, coz' we almost never fought, gave each other lots of space and the spark was always there. We were so comfortable around each other and used to each others routine, and it all just seemed right. Now, I am sure some (or all) of you know that sometimes even when everything is okay, you feel like you're going around in circles and nothing is moving ahead. There was never a next level with me and Ryan. In the 4 years that we were together, he never said he loves me. I thought maybe one day he will, but he did not. He never even so much as refered to me with the sweetie's and cutie's and honey's... and I got tired of begging for every single emotion from him. I was tired of just assuming stuff, especially when we got into an LDR and it became more important to express feelings. Like saying I Miss You for instance. He never said that he missed me. But he definitely said that he missed my rack. It sucked.
( Oh and yes, I caught him cheating on me. Not once, not twice, 4 times. But I think it deserves a new post. Sometime in the future. )
With a huge lump in my throat, I ended my relationship with him, but I cannot spend a single day without mentioning him coz' he was such an integral part of my daily life, and even though I was dissatisfied, I always had the assurance that he was still there.... and in a moment he was gone. He was in the same boat too... So we decided to give it a try again, but it did not work out coz' now I was not compromising as much as I used to... and he is used to being the Alpha Male (give me a freakin' break).. No one massages his ego anymore and that makes him angry (I secretly love it). I guess we are not meant to be afterall.
2 comments:
... I'm starting to wonder where all these posts of yours might be going... what issues are you hoping to resolve? Is there a pattern in these relationships? Are you still hoping to get together with any of these guys? Or perhaps it's just enough to tell our story sometimes...
Chris, I really don't know... I never shared all of this completely with anyone. But yeah, sometimes all you need is a third person perspective to view things clearly.
Ever since I started writing here, I have begun to feel lighter, and now that I am writing all these down, it just makes me look back and point out what exactly went wrong, and why I changed so drastically.
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