I have a weird feeling about my posts off late. I mean I made a promise to myself that whatever was going to be put on here would be uncut, uncensored, and a way to remove all that built up frustration and this is the perfect outlet for all that. Life has been easier, exponentially.
I don't know how I come off as (desperate slut? perhaps) but I cannot deny the fact that I do feel a constant need to have someone alongside. I do not like to be alone in the grind. I miss having someone, you know, THAT way. I just realized that V-day 2011 will be my first single Valentines in a decade. Wow, life has changed and I have come such a long way! I got asked out yesterday by an old time friend, and I politely declined. That's when I realized that I am not that desperate that I would go out with anyone who asks me out. I am really looking for someone whom I can make that connection with. This time, though, I am not going to try hard to get it, like I always do. I won't over-analyze, I won't run too fast and I won't fall for it, so soon. Gosh I feel so stupid that I am a Lovesick Crackhead.
Have I considered therapy? Yes. I have also taken 1 awesome session, with painful side effects. My family is not very supportive of it because they think that only people with mental health issues take therapy. I am sick and tired of telling them that it is not so. They went up to the extent of literally ridiculing my therapist when she asked them to let me be more social and make new friends. They called her diagnosis "crazy antics to make money out of me". WTF?! I have no clue about their thought process coz it's just all so irrational.
I don't talk a lot about my childhood and family but in short when I was growing up, my Mom had a job for which she traveled a lot, and my Dad was based out of the city for work. I grew up looking after myself mostly, and taking care of Leo when he was a kid. My aunt stayed with us, but well, aunt is an aunt, she could not fill up for my Mom's spot. I never have had the relationship with my mother where I could discuss my boy crushes with her or even something as obvious and important as my first period. I never did that. Nor was she ever there. When she tried to get close to me, it was too late. As far as my Dad goes, even if he is much closer to me, he lives in utter denial. Mom can tell when something is up, and even when I don't have that kind of a bond with her, she knows what goes on with me. She tells my Dad (she tells on me!!), and all he does is turn a blind eye. Because "its not a part of our culture". WTF?!?!
I mean what "culture" forbids girls from voicing out their opinion? I was forbidden to do a lot of things. Maybe that is why I broke all the rules and conditions ever set on me by them. I am not sorry that I am not a superstitious person. I am not ashamed of having friends and acquaintances from all around the world with various backgrounds. I will not give up on someone whom I love and want to spend the rest of my life with, just because he does not speak my language. THAT IS NOT ME, and will never be.
I never fit into the normal crowd when I grew up. Or when I went to college here, in India. I was considered to be"hi-fi", "too free" and "too open minded" just because I wore skirts to college. I was considered to be "high maintenance" because I listened to English music. I mean, REALLY? Give me a break. My friend circle back in college consisted of BFF and the other girl, both of who have a deadline to reach home before 6 pm, even when they are 25 yrs old and go to work and have a career. Who controls their kids like that? The worst part is, they don't even protest. They are all okay with all this. That kinda sucks.
Just coz I ask questions, and have a strong point of view, people judge me. I was judged as a slut by the Indian guys when in North America, just because I stayed with Justin in his room for 3 nights when in a relationship - and a month post our break up, I had a crush on this Indian guy (he was exactly like Justin, maybe that's why), and I told him about it just to get it off my chest (I was not looking for anything), and he went around telling everyone that I slept with his friend before and that now I was hitting on him. I did not know that he was doing this, before I overheard him saying this to Ryan when I had just started dating him. Later I found that every single Indian guy bitched about me, and I have no idea why! The reason I fell for Ryan was that he single handedly shut all of them up, and stayed by my side all through that horrible phase.
Not only this, I was being judged on a professional front too. When in school, I was a part of the senior girls' Cricket team and I was doing good at it but my parents did not let me participate coz I was a girl and was not meant to do things like these (or maybe I was "growing up", I really don't know). I was free to play any sport before I turned 12 because I "wouldn't get to play it for the rest of my life". Why? WTF! Please correct me if I am wrong for feeling mad about this. As I "grew up" I also realized that anyone with a vagina in a male dominated field will always be looked down upon. I experienced this while I was training, and I always thought that the Great White North would be more about gender equality but I was wrong. I thought I will hold off speaking about my career background till the day I get a job, but I just think this would be the right moment to tell all of you that, I am a Commercial Pilot. But an unemployed one as of now. I think that's a freakin' awesome thing to make a career out of.
But it was a rather painful journey for me. I had to spend a lot of extra hours while they were "making sure" I was ready. Just because I was "not designed for operating machinery". When a normal person takes up to a year normally to complete their training, I took close to 3 years. I must admit that I am a slow learner. But dumbass guys who were much slower than I was, were given chances when I was not. I don't regret it though, coz I spent the most beautiful years of my life out there, enjoying my freedom. I slowly got used to all those stupid comments and got used to avoiding them. I realized that when I am outside my own country, it is not imperative that I mix up only with other people from my country (exactly opposite to what was said by my parents - You should talk to "our" people.. WTF? Maybe they were just worried. Whatever). I started making friends with the locals. Life was much better and for a change I did not feel judged. I passed out with a commercial flight test that was no less than a star pilot's test, with a forecasted thunderstorm and winds gusting up to 60 knots on the day of my flight test. I will never forget that day, because no other "MAN" had the balls to go out in that kind of weather and pass their test, they all cancelled their tests, when I went out there and nailed it. Add to all that I scored a whooping 128 out of 135 on my test, which was the highest of them all, second highest in the province, and a slap right across all of their "manly" faces.
I was still judged when I returned to my own country. I will also fill you guys in on why am I not with Ryan today (I could have adjusted with him all my life if it were not for this). Because he is of a much higher "caste" than I am. We are both Hindu's, but just that he is of a higher caste. His family adores me. His Mom loved me more than my own Mom, to be honest. But it all changed instantly when they got to know that I am not from the same caste as theirs. WTF? What is my fault in here? Or my parents'? We don't decide what caste are we from before we're born right? I am a confident, smart, good looking, well educated and a good-hearted individual, who could make any man happy if she wanted to. I mean it, I am not bragging. Being from a different caste changes the entire ball game. My ancestors used to make shoes, and I get punished for it.
Luckily, my parents were hard working enough to bring me and Leo into a world where we were brought up in a very classy neighborhood, and never fell short on anything. Ryan would not have gone out with me had he known about my caste before. But I never felt it was important enough (If he really cared that much, he should have asked me about it before sleeping with me). One morning he asked me casually and I told him about it casually too, but it changed EVERYTHING. I thought Ryan did not judge me. But he did. Then I started wishing he would not judge me. But he did. When we tried sorting this out, he said that he will never admit that he loved me because we did not have a future together anyway, (coz of the caste thing) his parents will not allow him to marry me, and he will never even raise a voice against them. (I think that is the lamest reason anyone has ever come up with, for not saying I love you to someone)
The only people I have found who did not judge me, were too far from me. But then I grew used to it, and distance did not matter, coz well, I do feel alone, and at least this helped filling the void. I just wanna be open to choice, coz I would honestly surpass many of the bitches who get away with everything without having a single ounce of an important quality called intelligence or common sense. The funny part is, I am so much better off as compared to many of these "high status" people, who only talk to people of their caste, and breed within their lineage, I feel sorry to state the fact that in spite of coming from a lower "caste", most of the people who work in our house as domestic labor are from a higher caste. But I believe in individualism. I never judge them, or anyone else. That is how I am. I wonder if there is any man out there who thinks of it the same way as I do? Coz if there is, he has a +100 on my rating scale already.
I do believe that anything can happen. I don't know if someone, somewhere is reading this and may end up being a part of my life tomorrow (Or someone who is a part of my real life would read all of this some day), I would not rule out the possibility but if a person still wants to be in touch with me after reading all this I would be really surprised (and secretly doing the happy dance) :P Because people, they judge. They have judged me always. Except for my real life close friends.
I am really thankful to all you guys, Fool (I miss you, hope everything gets fine and you return back soon), Chris, Stacey and Janey, for hearing me out, right from the start. And everyone else who reads through my awfully long posts and it even remotely makes sense to them. Each one of you guys, It really means a lot. And none of you judge me (hopefully), I really appreciate it :)
Love
Apfel.
I don't know how I come off as (desperate slut? perhaps) but I cannot deny the fact that I do feel a constant need to have someone alongside. I do not like to be alone in the grind. I miss having someone, you know, THAT way. I just realized that V-day 2011 will be my first single Valentines in a decade. Wow, life has changed and I have come such a long way! I got asked out yesterday by an old time friend, and I politely declined. That's when I realized that I am not that desperate that I would go out with anyone who asks me out. I am really looking for someone whom I can make that connection with. This time, though, I am not going to try hard to get it, like I always do. I won't over-analyze, I won't run too fast and I won't fall for it, so soon. Gosh I feel so stupid that I am a Lovesick Crackhead.
Have I considered therapy? Yes. I have also taken 1 awesome session, with painful side effects. My family is not very supportive of it because they think that only people with mental health issues take therapy. I am sick and tired of telling them that it is not so. They went up to the extent of literally ridiculing my therapist when she asked them to let me be more social and make new friends. They called her diagnosis "crazy antics to make money out of me". WTF?! I have no clue about their thought process coz it's just all so irrational.
I don't talk a lot about my childhood and family but in short when I was growing up, my Mom had a job for which she traveled a lot, and my Dad was based out of the city for work. I grew up looking after myself mostly, and taking care of Leo when he was a kid. My aunt stayed with us, but well, aunt is an aunt, she could not fill up for my Mom's spot. I never have had the relationship with my mother where I could discuss my boy crushes with her or even something as obvious and important as my first period. I never did that. Nor was she ever there. When she tried to get close to me, it was too late. As far as my Dad goes, even if he is much closer to me, he lives in utter denial. Mom can tell when something is up, and even when I don't have that kind of a bond with her, she knows what goes on with me. She tells my Dad (she tells on me!!), and all he does is turn a blind eye. Because "its not a part of our culture". WTF?!?!
I mean what "culture" forbids girls from voicing out their opinion? I was forbidden to do a lot of things. Maybe that is why I broke all the rules and conditions ever set on me by them. I am not sorry that I am not a superstitious person. I am not ashamed of having friends and acquaintances from all around the world with various backgrounds. I will not give up on someone whom I love and want to spend the rest of my life with, just because he does not speak my language. THAT IS NOT ME, and will never be.
I never fit into the normal crowd when I grew up. Or when I went to college here, in India. I was considered to be"hi-fi", "too free" and "too open minded" just because I wore skirts to college. I was considered to be "high maintenance" because I listened to English music. I mean, REALLY? Give me a break. My friend circle back in college consisted of BFF and the other girl, both of who have a deadline to reach home before 6 pm, even when they are 25 yrs old and go to work and have a career. Who controls their kids like that? The worst part is, they don't even protest. They are all okay with all this. That kinda sucks.
Just coz I ask questions, and have a strong point of view, people judge me. I was judged as a slut by the Indian guys when in North America, just because I stayed with Justin in his room for 3 nights when in a relationship - and a month post our break up, I had a crush on this Indian guy (he was exactly like Justin, maybe that's why), and I told him about it just to get it off my chest (I was not looking for anything), and he went around telling everyone that I slept with his friend before and that now I was hitting on him. I did not know that he was doing this, before I overheard him saying this to Ryan when I had just started dating him. Later I found that every single Indian guy bitched about me, and I have no idea why! The reason I fell for Ryan was that he single handedly shut all of them up, and stayed by my side all through that horrible phase.
Not only this, I was being judged on a professional front too. When in school, I was a part of the senior girls' Cricket team and I was doing good at it but my parents did not let me participate coz I was a girl and was not meant to do things like these (or maybe I was "growing up", I really don't know). I was free to play any sport before I turned 12 because I "wouldn't get to play it for the rest of my life". Why? WTF! Please correct me if I am wrong for feeling mad about this. As I "grew up" I also realized that anyone with a vagina in a male dominated field will always be looked down upon. I experienced this while I was training, and I always thought that the Great White North would be more about gender equality but I was wrong. I thought I will hold off speaking about my career background till the day I get a job, but I just think this would be the right moment to tell all of you that, I am a Commercial Pilot. But an unemployed one as of now. I think that's a freakin' awesome thing to make a career out of.
But it was a rather painful journey for me. I had to spend a lot of extra hours while they were "making sure" I was ready. Just because I was "not designed for operating machinery". When a normal person takes up to a year normally to complete their training, I took close to 3 years. I must admit that I am a slow learner. But dumbass guys who were much slower than I was, were given chances when I was not. I don't regret it though, coz I spent the most beautiful years of my life out there, enjoying my freedom. I slowly got used to all those stupid comments and got used to avoiding them. I realized that when I am outside my own country, it is not imperative that I mix up only with other people from my country (exactly opposite to what was said by my parents - You should talk to "our" people.. WTF? Maybe they were just worried. Whatever). I started making friends with the locals. Life was much better and for a change I did not feel judged. I passed out with a commercial flight test that was no less than a star pilot's test, with a forecasted thunderstorm and winds gusting up to 60 knots on the day of my flight test. I will never forget that day, because no other "MAN" had the balls to go out in that kind of weather and pass their test, they all cancelled their tests, when I went out there and nailed it. Add to all that I scored a whooping 128 out of 135 on my test, which was the highest of them all, second highest in the province, and a slap right across all of their "manly" faces.
I was still judged when I returned to my own country. I will also fill you guys in on why am I not with Ryan today (I could have adjusted with him all my life if it were not for this). Because he is of a much higher "caste" than I am. We are both Hindu's, but just that he is of a higher caste. His family adores me. His Mom loved me more than my own Mom, to be honest. But it all changed instantly when they got to know that I am not from the same caste as theirs. WTF? What is my fault in here? Or my parents'? We don't decide what caste are we from before we're born right? I am a confident, smart, good looking, well educated and a good-hearted individual, who could make any man happy if she wanted to. I mean it, I am not bragging. Being from a different caste changes the entire ball game. My ancestors used to make shoes, and I get punished for it.
Luckily, my parents were hard working enough to bring me and Leo into a world where we were brought up in a very classy neighborhood, and never fell short on anything. Ryan would not have gone out with me had he known about my caste before. But I never felt it was important enough (If he really cared that much, he should have asked me about it before sleeping with me). One morning he asked me casually and I told him about it casually too, but it changed EVERYTHING. I thought Ryan did not judge me. But he did. Then I started wishing he would not judge me. But he did. When we tried sorting this out, he said that he will never admit that he loved me because we did not have a future together anyway, (coz of the caste thing) his parents will not allow him to marry me, and he will never even raise a voice against them. (I think that is the lamest reason anyone has ever come up with, for not saying I love you to someone)
The only people I have found who did not judge me, were too far from me. But then I grew used to it, and distance did not matter, coz well, I do feel alone, and at least this helped filling the void. I just wanna be open to choice, coz I would honestly surpass many of the bitches who get away with everything without having a single ounce of an important quality called intelligence or common sense. The funny part is, I am so much better off as compared to many of these "high status" people, who only talk to people of their caste, and breed within their lineage, I feel sorry to state the fact that in spite of coming from a lower "caste", most of the people who work in our house as domestic labor are from a higher caste. But I believe in individualism. I never judge them, or anyone else. That is how I am. I wonder if there is any man out there who thinks of it the same way as I do? Coz if there is, he has a +100 on my rating scale already.
I couldn't live without exclaiming WTF? to the people,
their thinking, and their whole
thing where they judge me, coz I have tried not to react to that
and I cannot help myself anymore.
I do believe that anything can happen. I don't know if someone, somewhere is reading this and may end up being a part of my life tomorrow (Or someone who is a part of my real life would read all of this some day), I would not rule out the possibility but if a person still wants to be in touch with me after reading all this I would be really surprised (and secretly doing the happy dance) :P Because people, they judge. They have judged me always. Except for my real life close friends.
I am really thankful to all you guys, Fool (I miss you, hope everything gets fine and you return back soon), Chris, Stacey and Janey, for hearing me out, right from the start. And everyone else who reads through my awfully long posts and it even remotely makes sense to them. Each one of you guys, It really means a lot. And none of you judge me (hopefully), I really appreciate it :)
Love
Apfel.
