Would you be my Hero, baby? Would you kiss away the pain?

I do not let people into my life very easily. When I do let them inside, I tend to make them feel special in any and every way that I can. I have a few heroes in my life. My Dad (whom I have constant fights with but cannot flaw him over being a bad Dad), Leo (Might be irritating to the core at times, and might have just had a fight with me, but he is the best brother a sister can possibly dream of having *touch wood*), My instructor in college, Mr.Nicholls (He is the one person who believed in me, even in the toughest times, and he has no idea how much that changed my entire life and how strong it made me inside). Ryan used to be my hero once upon a time, but lately he has been quite an ass, so let me leave him out of this. Basically whoever I have considered as my hero has always lived up to my standards, coz apparently I set them very low. I am not bragging, I tend to give more and expect less, and that is why I end up in a pile of shit every single time.

There was a road to gain the hero spot in my eyes which was never used. The road where one had to live past what I expected of them, the road where I got surprised and could not calculate what was happening next coz everything was such a mystery. The hero who took control, and made me feel that everything was going to be okay. The closest one ever got to taking that road, was The Brit. And he let me down, sorely. So this letter is for you, my darling, I type this Dear John letter with tears in my eyes thinking that they would take away the pain with them, eventually.

Dear John,

First of all, I want to thank you for coming into my life. You made me realize a lot of things. You made me feel beautiful again, you showed me what love was (I had forgotten), you told me that I had the sexiest voice and you called me baby like I was the cutest 1 year old on this planet. You made me feel secure, and I owe you a special thanks for the beauty sleep I managed to get every single night in the 4 months that we did spend with each other. You did not like it when I said that I wanted to only go out with men who were slightly older than I was, and you proved me wrong by being much more responsible and caring and loving and the most important thing was that you made me feel I meant something to you, even when you were the same age as I was.

You kept your patience with my hard exterior and managed to get into the depths of my heart, and when I did fall for you, I fell so hard that I completely gave in, everything that I had, coz I felt so sure. It was unreal at first, and I told you so many times, but you re-assured me. You promised me, dear John, that you will never make me cry again. You promised me that you won't go away unannounced, but that, is exactly what you did. You broke your promise. Not once, Twice.

I had started to consider you as my hero and to this extent that I was ready to leave everything behind and move to your country, convert to your religion and give up my career eventually, and be the mother of your kids someday, hoping this, you, us, would be my happily ever after. But you, let me down.

I won't ask why you went away unannounced one fine morning, I won't ask you what you did while you were away, but I just want you to know, that you let me down. You were my hero, John. I loved you. Like CRAZY! Crazy to the point that I could feel you around me. Now here I am feeling hollow inside, having emotional outbursts in public places, and finding it difficult to keep myself in control. I was totally in control before I met you, and now, I am just a huge mess.

I don't know if you'll ever come back, but if you do and when you do, expect that I will tell you, that you let me down. Bigtime. I will still take it in a positive stride thinking that you came into my life for a reason. To make me realize that Ryan was not right for me and I was doing nothing but compromising my ass off for him. That is one thing you definitely changed in my life, other than making me a weak and vulnerable girl, ready to cry at the drop of a hat. With this note, I bid you goodbye, dear John, and the next thing I do after I hit Publish here, is to press the delete button. Everywhere, anywhere that you left a mark. I know I'll cry, but It's better than bottling it up inside me. This too, shall pass.

You let me down, unless a miracle takes place. And if miracles did exist, you would show up, out of nowhere. But I won't count on that.

Apfel

P.S. I am really mad at you for spoiling Usher Mornings for me. Also the Nirvana Nights, and the song Brighter than Sunshine. I hate you for that. 

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I have been kind of emotional lately. After my public emotional outburst last week, I have had 2 more outbursts, and at times found myself crying for no apparent reason. I wonder if it's just cleansing my system or making me ache harder each passing day? I am normal the entire day but as soon as I find myself alone, I start sobbing. It sucks. I never though I'd break TO THIS EXTENT with a guy. Feeling stupid.

The last time he took off, he said he will see me in 6 hours, and was away for a month. He had his reasons. But those were the longest 6 hours of my life. I cannot believe I am posting this but here it is, something I wrote when he was away last September and I was crying like a jackass, and he was back the following day, restoring lost faith. This time he said he will see me in 2 days. So should I freaking wait for 4-6 months for him? I don't think so. It's been a month and half already.

If you guys ever wanted to know about the mystery behind why I call myself Apfel (Apple), this is why.

6 hours

The longest 6 hours of my life;

Each second seems like a year, each minute feels like one whole life...

The aching heart and crying soul,

Masked perfectly behind my smile,

Mistaken easily by this superficial world,

Are the twinkles in my eyes.

Can’t you hear my silent screams,

Over the distance that draws us apart?

Can’t you see my real dreams,

With the eyes you have deep in my heart?

Can’t you feel the teardrops on your skin,

In the gravity you hold inside my thoughts?

Can’t you smell the absence too,

I feel incomplete without you...

Life seemed so colorful

You made me feel so beautiful

I was your moon in white

You were my star so bright

I was your Apple in green

You were the best there could have ever been

10,000 miles of vacuum

Yet you held me so tight

Now I’m just a lonely mess,

Everything just seems so gray,

I don’t want to, but still I guess,

You’re gone, and all I can do is pray.

Please come back , oh please come back,

For you I would lose all of time’s track...

The longest 6 hours of my life,

Each second seems like a year, each minute feels like one whole life...

 He called me Apple, out of love. Hence, the URL, alias, and everything else.

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I wrote this post 2 hours ago and went over to hit the delete button on everywhere that I was in touch with him. I bumped upon one of our conversations by accident. I realized something. I may be fretting over a bit too much about this guy, I mean, here I am sobbing and feeling miserable and who knows what he is up to out there? I have never even met this guy in person... I need to stop being silly and get back to myself ASAP! Typing this in small fonts because I suddenly feel stupid about this whole thing. Maybe I am attracted to losers! Maybe I never came across Mr.Right yet, but then all this becomes such a waste of time and feelings!

Unstable and Confused,
Apfel.