PMS, Stupid guys who complain about things they have never experienced, and drifting apart from someone whom I loved.

I have been on the PMS Express for the past few days and ughhh it can get really really irritating for me. It's like sometimes I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. I am sure it explains a lot about my emotional outbursts and the occasional turning into Godzilla-with-long-hair, trying to chase someone who pissed her off all over the city. Okay, I have been reading a lot about PMS and how guys make a mockery of the whole deal, but for every single one of these men who thinks so, let's put a uterus inside you and then you shall have the right to express about the anger and frustration we go through during our times of the month. The least you can do, is be nice to us. Or keep your distance.

Now all the guys that I have been in a relationship with, kinda understood my problem as long as I was with them. The distance always made it harder coz' they could not see it on my face when I was cranky. I'll give them that too. Spending 4 years with Ryan, he should be well acquainted with this routine, and he is, but he always did the same thing. Avoided any kind of contact with me. I received a call from Ryan this morning, and we were just talking normally, when it turned into a fight out of nowhere, after which he hung up on me. Then he expects me to be sorry about it. WHY?

I did not do anything at all, but yes it was my mistake to expect any kind of comfort from him. I wanted him to tell me that he was there for me and if I were there with him, he would give me a big hug and make me feel better. I forgot, we are not together anymore (He wasn't any good to me during these times except 1 or 2 times during the 4 year relationship either). I messaged him back saying 'I am sorry and I should not be so dependent on you for emotional support'. To which he responded "It's not like that". When I asked him, 'what is it about then?' No response. I am not a psychic to read your mind!!! I'm just sick of this whole charade, and I don't even love him anymore. I just realized that. I am just too much used to having him around me. But I don't think I love him. I'm pretty sure I don't. After an hour he sent this - I think you are not in the mood and I am bored too, so bye, take care of yourself.

I never thought I would be writing this about you, Ryan, but it's not the same anymore. I never thought I'd be so angry that I feel like slapping you across the face. I never thought I'd want to let you go. I never thought you and me would not end up being together. All because I loved you right from the bottom of my heart. I gave you everything, I left no room for you to complain. I took you back even after you cheated on me repeatedly (I was insane, what was I thinking?) just hoping that one day you'd realize how much I loved you. But you didn't. I yearned and begged everyday for you to be nice to me, but you kept blowing me off saying that you were not comfortable expressing your emotions. Really? What were all those I'LL LOVE YOU FOREVER messages you sent to your ex-gf (Who is currently married to someone else)?

You left me all alone in your house to disappear for almost an entire night, and when you did get back you told me that you had to run to the hospital, only for me to find out next morning, before leaving for my flight back home and giving you a goodbye kiss, that you were in the hospital coz' your married ex girlfriend was in the hospital and had a miscarriage? You fucking think I'll buy that? I know you cheated, somewhere I even think that child is yours. I do not trust you anymore. Fuck you, Ryan, fuck you. Have a little dignity and self respect before going around ruining the lives of 3 people other than yourself when you do something like this. She is married to someone else, let her go. She was your girlfriend 5 years ago, since then it has been me, whom you don't even acknowledge?! You cheated on her when you slept with me, and god knows how many times you cheated on me while I was with you. I only managed to catch you 4 times.

So take your ego the size of a spaceship and shove it up your ass, coz' it's not attractive anymore. Had you been so "manly" before, you would have at least said once that you loved me, but you kept using me as your doormat day after day, month after month and year after year. Even after clearing the air, you have the audacity to suggest that we can still be special friends (casual sex). Well, I am not going to let you walk all over me anymore. You did it before, but not any more. You were away from me before, but it still seemed like we were together, and you're much closer to me distance wise now, and it still seems we're far apart. Too bad.

I'm beginning to to question myself on why did I ever fall for you in the first place! But maybe this distance is for the better... I'll still be in touch with you. But I will make you realize how it feels, to be "just friends". You'll definitely see.

Apfel.